Home away from home.
My feelings are strong like the fire burning in the forge
Burning of passion, roaring through the wind
Combining ordinary objects to make the extraordinary gives
Me a sense of….
Accomplishment.
Confidence, I guess you could say.
I can create anything. I feel I can create life.
Ultimatum. Strength. Power.
Every day I seize a new challenge and I can decide how to craft it.
How to fashion them and how to decipher them.
Utilizing my creations.
Robotics is almost second nature to me.
Releasing my birth, my children
To be used and be trashed. Seeing my projects perform their purpose
And simply be smashed; recycled.
I turn my head and, for better or for worse, ignore it
For I know it will be re-made superior to mine by others another day.
Hey Joseph!
ReplyDeleteI just finished reading your poem and it's really good! I can understand why you chose this god. They are like craftsmen except for robotics kind of things. (Sorry I don't know what they're called. Metal Works?! haha)
I like the idea of using Hephestus. You can explain how much you guys are similar in characteristics. Your organization and voice is good. Your sentence fluency fits well with your poem and your I can hear your voice in here :)
I have no suggestions.
I feel your good to go!
Good luck on your final!
Hi Joseph!
ReplyDeleteGood job at giving that unexpected twist at the end. I was not expecting that. I thought you were gonna talk about how you're building something and then you succeed and get greatly recognized for it. But then you talked about the complete opposite, about how it gets trashed but you really don't mind because it will later be built by someone else.
Anyway, I've looked through your poem several times and I couldn't really find any mechanical errors that needs fixing. Honestly, there really isn't anything about your poem that I find needs fixing... wow. You did a super super super good job! I can also sense YOU in this poem meaning you did a good job with using "voice" (:
Again, AWESOME JOB!!!
-Czarina
Hi Joseph,
ReplyDeleteLike your teammates I think you did a very impressive job :)
I do, however, have some suggesetions:
In the second verse, I would use another word in place of "ultimatum." It doesn't seem to match with "strength" and "power"...and you need a noun, so "ultimate" which is probably closer in meaning to what you want, won't work, either.
Fourth line, same verse, you use "it"--singular. then, in the next line, you use the plural pronoun "them." Make it consistent.
The last comment is prbably more substantive. When you talk about your creations being recycled, I think it would be good to continue the allusive connection...how would Hephaestus recycle? Think of words, images that go with the image of the forge.
Great job!
mrs s